TO THE ADVANCED FOETUS IN MY WOMB

To the advanced foetus in my womb

Little one,

I am scared

It is what you do to me

Frighten me.

I know you are a boy

Call it mother instinct or whatever

I just know.

And it frightens me.

Your kicks are strong

As was your father’s

And although I never felt the strength of his kicks

I needed no soothsayer to tell me how strong it was.

I fear that you will become like your father

Strong and brave

Daring and masculine

Intimidating and commanding

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I fear that you will become like your father

Patriotic and Nationalist

I fear that this nation will trust you with her life like they did your father

And I fear for your response.

I can’t handle two losses.

Every time you play in me

I’m reminded of your father

How we played in the garden

My favourite place that became his favourite place too

After the battleground of course.

I’m reminded of how clingy I was

How I never let him go

How I held onto his waist from the back with my tears soaking his uniform

On the days he had to leave.

How I stayed in his arms every time I could

Without letting go

How he couldn’t cook without getting distracted

By my tongue on his earlobe and

My kisses on his neck

How he’d grab me and risk burning my favourite meal

Yam and egg

---

As he took me right there and then.

I’d still spank him after everything

He burnt my favourite meal, remember?

And no, don’t tell me it’s my fault.

It was his fault for being so everything that I craved.

I’m reminded of how he’d play with my hair

Every time I got lost in a book

I still think he did that out of selfish reasons

He knew how I loved my books

And never wanted me to forget him in my intercourse with ‘em.

I’m reminded of how we’d sit in the bathtub for hours

Doing nothing but whispering promises of forever and a day after to ourselves

The forever he failed to give me How then can he even give me a day after?

I’m reminded of how he helped me deal with my fears

How he’d push me to do what I was scared of

It was the thing about him

I knew nothing could happen to me under his watch.

I still remember that night

The night before the day he left

I remember the bad feeling I had about his leaving

And I swear that he had it too

But he couldn’t decline

It was what he signed up for

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When he told me he had been deployed to Borno, I begged

I cried even.

But he wouldn’t listen.

Lovemaking that night was more of a farewell greeting

And although it was pleasurable

I couldn’t help but think of the worst,

His disappearance.

That night, I opened my soul to him

Like I’d never done before and he did too

It was fierce as it was calm

Just the perfect description of the man I married.

I remember the airport scene so well

I didn’t care that I made a fool of myself

As I cried on my knees begging him to stay

It was that day I remembered that I wasn’t the only mad person on this planet

He joined me on my knees and faked tears

With tears on my cheeks, I couldn’t but laugh

This man contributed to the madness in my beauty.

I had married a clown but that was the last time he made me laugh

So much for being a clown

Giving “dead” jokes ain’t gon make nobody laugh now, is it?

Especially, not me.

So, to the advanced foetus in my womb

Promise me that upon your delivery

You’ll be nothing but a soldier.

For what is life without fighting?